10. refraction

His room was shaded grey by the predawn light, except where it hit the glass of water on the bedside table. A miniature rainbow, cast from the glass, lay across the open pages of a book beside it. Far too cheerful for his state of mind.
Shadows pooled about the skirting board, more aptly reflecting his mood. Aya had been watching them creep away as the sunlight slowly seeped in, listening to the steady rhythm of Yoji breathing. Curled up behind him, long legs entwined with his own, Aya was hyper conscious of Yoji’s presence. Of the delicate calloused fingers resting on his hip, of the gentle inhale and exhale that stirred the hair at the back of his neck.
Two weeks since that first night and Aya still couldn’t get his head around it. At first he thought he was afraid of how their relationship would affect Weiss. Without discussing it they’d neither said anything to Omi and Ken, nor tried to hide it. Omi and Ken hadn’t said anything either. Their silence was deemed acceptance and came as a relief. But Aya still felt that faint sea-sick sense of unease.
Yoji’s breathing changed as he began to stir. Hands slid up Aya’s sides, arms coming around to hug him lazily across the chest.
Eyes closing, Aya’s hands instinctively came up to grasp Yoji’s.
“Morning.” Groggy gentle rumble of Yoji’s voice, lips pressed lightly to the back of Aya’s neck.
Shivering faintly Aya turned in Yoji’s arms, tucking his head beneath his Yoji’s chin. His skin burned where it met Yoji’s. Why did something so pleasant cause him so much anguish? What was it that had been building in him the last few weeks that made him so anxious? Things had been going so well, but he just couldn’t escape the niggling feeling in the pit of his belly. This won’t last. Nothing this intense can last.
I don’t want to lose you!
Snaking his arms around Yoji’s waist he hugged him almost brutally tight.
“Aya?” Yoji stroked his scarlet locks, trying to tilt his head up so that he might meet his gaze. “What’s the matter?”
I can see the cracks before they form, I can feel how easily this could all come crashing down, and I know how much it’s going to hurt. It’s going to be like losing them all over again, beyond devastating, eviscerating.
All it’s going to take is one argument vicious enough, sufficient harsh words and heart shattering actions. Betrayal, boredom, infidelity. Which would it be?
He ground his teeth in frustration, trying to quash the rush of thoughts.
Why should it be any?
I’m trying Yoji, but I’m still so afraid...
Loosening his grip on Yoji somewhat, Aya inhaled a deep breath. Forcing a smile, he finally looked up at Yoji.
Bottle green eyes full of concern gazed earnestly at him. Yoji gently traced his cheeks, tucking errant strands of hair behind his ears. “Aya what’s wrong?”
He reached for Yoji’s hands, fingers twining. “Nothing. I’m just fine.” Pressing his mouth to Yoji’s, he let himself fall into a familiar wash of sensation. Pure light and ecstasy. He pushed the feeling of foreboding to the back of his mind, burying it with other shadowy emotions he was not ready to recognise.
Musk and ash and sleep sweat flooded his senses and he sank into it.
As long as I’m drowning, I can’t be looking for that final rift.

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