03.07.06 insomnia rocks!
I have to get up in two and a half hours. Hurrah. Have spent this evening procrastinating from school work a great deal. Although I finally marked all the fucking SOSE exercise books that have been sitting on my dining table for almost 3 weeks. Highlights of my marking this evening have been one student defining a contract as "a legally blinded document between two parties", students writing their answers as solid blocks with no punctuation or line breaks (note to spazmo - if the teacher can't read it, they ain't gonna mark it) and the answer "don't no" or "can't do it" being used on mulitple occassions. Way to go kids. Nice to see you doing your best. Good god it's pathetic. 02:53
I am now of course babbling in here as I watch the credits to the third Harry Potter film I have watched this evening. I do not understand why I cannot sleep. Since getting back from Brisbane, I've simply not been able to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Which has facilitated pursuing more creative endeavours than usual and actually cleaning my unit properly for a change, but is going to royally screw me when I have to go back to getting to go to school. Especially since I have to catch the train this week, thus adding an extra hour to travel/morning prep time. Additionally, I have no idea what my timetable is going to be this semester, so I have to lug all my books tomorrow, and the walk to school from the train is at least 20 minutes. Might be visiting my chiropractor early this month. Furthermore, I have a cold, can't hear anything, my throat feels like I'm allergic to shellfish and just licked a prawn, and I generally am not looking forward to dealing with teenagers tomorrow.
Anyway, the point of this rant is to reflect on what has come prior. Earlier I wasted a good hour reading all the entries. My goodness what a range of mental states they cover. I kind of miss being in some of them. And I sometimes wish I had known then what I know now. How wonderful it would have been to give advice to myself three years ago. "Back away now while you still can" and/or "Don't worry it's going to get a hell of a lot worse." What fun things I used to do - chemicals, eating disorders, dallying with randoms in night clubs. Part of me wishes I could go back to it all. Being responsible and paying my bills (or some of them anyway) has its merits, but it is largely draining and not entirely where I wish to be.
Am enjoying my writing at the moment, although I am still not convinced I have any talent to speak of and probably the only thing that is getting me through it is what Poppy Z Brite wrote in "Seed of Lost Souls" (which I paid far too much money for, but it was soooo worth it) about sticking with it and finally getting things published. Okay those weren't her words, but that was the gist. I also think I miss being on film sets, even dodgy student ones. I know I sometimes hated it but fuck it could be fun at times. AHHHHHH!!!! Why am I still not happy?! I guess partly because I'm unbalanced, and because I don't have a constant that knows me and accepts me (regardless of what naughty habits I might pick up or fucked up things I do) and hugs me and makes me feel like it's going to be okay. I'm over being single. The only way I can completely wash away the last three years of emotional fucked-up-edness and wastage of my time and energy is to start over with someone better. No lawyers need apply, I am soooo done with you prissy indecisive fucktards. What a mature statement. I can't possibly understand why no one has just snapped me up.
I haven't even eaten dinner or made lunch for tomorrow and frankly I don't care. I'm buying a pouch of tobacco on the way to work tomorrow and that will do instead of food. So much for promises to myself. I'm not in the mood for taking care of myself right now. There's another suitably fucked up statement. I wonder when I'm really going to grow up? I wonder when a lovely knight in shining armour (or in my case an effeminate boi in black, and fishnets if he can manage it) will come rescue me from myself? I wonder how the hell someone like me landed a job where I have to not only mould and develop young minds, but act as a suitable role model - what a joke. I wonder if I'm going to be this cranky when I wake up. If I get to bed. I'm placing bets on answer D - more fucking cranky.
"Good morning Miss Plot Princess!"
"Fuck off kiddies!"
Apologies in advance for posting such horrible drivel. Just remember teachers are people too.
11.06.06 hmmm... blinked and I missed it
Goodness, where have the last six months gone? Oh, that's right, they've been sucked into the vortext known as teaching! It seems I spend 80% of my life either at school, driving to school or preparing/marking more work for school. My favourite part so far has to have been report writing - 149 of them in the space of about 6 days. Very very little sleep and much yelling at children in my crankiness. Ugghhh. Everyone keeps saying it gets easier. Mind you if one more non teaching person tries to say 'Well that's just your first year, you know it will be busy' I will slap them. It's kind of like telling a terminally ill patient, 'Well that's just cancer, you know it's going to be painful'. No shit Sherlock. Doesn't do much for one's stress levels either. 18:33
Not that it's all been bad. As far as full time work goes, I'm mostly enjoying it. The staff are great (minus a few 'important' people who don't seem to do a great deal and the really mean office lady) the kids are interesting and not too many of them need to be euthanised. This has just been a really long term. Last week this week though, and I'm REALLY looking forward to holidays. I've got lots of people to catch up with and plenty of creative endeavors to follow up on. Heading up to Brisbane for a holiday which will be nice. Or at least seeing people will be nice. I still think Brisbane is a hole. I take back the comment that I would like to raise a family there.
On that note, moving to Melbourne has been the best thing I've done. I like my little flat, which is conveniently next door to family, I (mostly) like my job, and I'm starting to do more things for myself (starting to learn Japanese properly next semester - FINALLY) and am going to start playing flute again. Also managed to score all 10 manga of Petshop of Horrors in English. It has become my new favourite anime/manga. Does anyone know where to get Weiss Kreuz manga in English? Does such a thing exist?
It would be nice to get out of the house a little more, but I guess there will be more time for that sort of thing next year. I occassionally go out with work people which is great, but it's not really lending itself to meeting new people. Am still largely frightened by the idea of a relationship, but it would be nice to not have to sleep alone anymore. And to have someone to split the rent with :) I'm just not convinced that there is such a thing as a nice single boy. I need to start meeting people in there 30s. It's all particularly scary at the moment 'cause Kith just got engaged. CRAZY. People my age surely are too young for this sort of shit. Not that I'm not happy for them. It's just weird and will take some getting used to. And it makes me wonder who will be next.
I guess for the moment I'm just keeping myself busy with work and reading and writing and trying to relearn how to be creative. Mostly I'd just like more time to myself. One day.
27.12.05 hello life, i've missed you in your absence!
It's been a long time since I have posted in here and a lot of shit has happened in the mean time, none of which I care to go into anymore - enough energy and time has been wasted on something which was in the end just a waste. I just really wanted to get rid of the photos that were here and write something fresh. Since everything else in my life is new and shiny and good I thought it would be better to cut out the dead flesh and leave it burried where it belongs! 22:48
Major updates for me: I have moved and now happily reside in Melbourne and am this close to having my own place which is in a very convenient location. My nephew was born four weeks ago - I am nursing him now - and he is very gorgeous. I have a teaching job which starts at the end of January, that I am very excited and scared about. Awesome school, great staff, but I have to teach SOSE to grade 7s... I'm sure I will pick it up soon enough! I am working part time in telesales which sucks arse more than I could possibly have imagined, but I'm getting paid and haven't been fired for lack of productivity yet, so I'll cope for a little while longer. Am back in Bris on the 20th of January to retrieve my car and grab a few resources before shipping my belongings down to my new home. Am also buying my first grown up brand new mattress this week :) Granted it will be another month before I can afford the bed frame to house it, but these are minor details! Most excitingly I have reaquainted myself with some old friends and am happily engrossed in my latest attempts to finish my vampy novels. Hurrah for no more writers' block!
Other news? Not really. Just looking forward to a fresh start in 2006 with minimised bagage and only a few new complexes :D Take care fangirls and bois and stay tuned.
23.05.05 evryday stuff
Okay so I took these photos like a week ago, but I haven't had the chance to put them up yet. 22:41
This is where I smashed my hand at netball when I fell over last week. I also earned myself a lovely purple bruise right on my butt. It hurt to sit down for three days :D
This is me wearing winter PJs and socks because it's 12 degrees most nights. And while I am sure you will laugh and say 'that's t-shirt weather' I will remind you for Brisbane that's fucking cold! And I live in a concrete bunker. Cold I tell you!!!
These are the pretty flowers mum bought me when I freaked out about job applications and burst in to tears one night. I don't usually do that. I think she was worried. But score! I got flowers!!! :D
Yeah, me trying to be arty and failing miserably (in part due to crap camera, no flash and low light) I think I best leave this to professionals in future.
That's all for today. I can make more if you like them (or if I am hiding from prac work and students who don't know the word cynical... and they're in grade 11... 0.o) I know I'm a bit slow sometimes, but all I ever wanted was for both of us to be happy. Whatever that means will happen. Smile for me and spend the next couple weeks just relaxing. There will be plenty of time for worrying later. You know what will happen in the immediate future, so, as my kids would say, just chill. :P
*hugs*
m
02.05.05 In the company of JJJ radio
Lucksmiths - The Chapter In Your Life Entitled San Francisco 23:08
Is it April yet?
I forget sometimes how slowly summer passes
You disappeared into Departures
Only half a year ago
It seems like so much more, you know
I went a fortnight without so much as an email
Then a postcard scant of detail
In which you wished me all the best
From the non-specific north west
Should it one day come to pass
That you sit down to your memoirs
Where will this go?
The chapter in your life entitled San Francisco
Are you warm enough?
I remember how the fog comes off the water
And the days are ever shorter
And I worry you’ll be cold
Or have you found someone to hold?
I spent the summer with the curtains drawn against it
Counting all the nights you’ve wasted
Under unfamiliar stars
Should it one day come to pass
That you sit down to your memoirs
Where will this go?
The chapter in your life entitled San Francisco
Are you ever coming clean?
Or will I never know the meaning
Of the lines you scribbled out
So that I couldn’t read between?
Are you ever coming home?
Or should I learn to do without you?
Should it one day come to pass
That you sit down to your memoirs
Where will this go?
The chapter in your life entitled San Francisco
26.04.05 before you slip through my fingers
Come 22:42
As you are
As you were
As I want you to be
As a friend
As a friend
As an old enemy
Take your time
Hurry up
The choice is yours
Don't be late
Take a rest
As a friend
As an old memory
19.04.05 But nothing cures the hurt you bring on by yourself just remembering how we were...
Ava nestles amongst stale sheets, misshapen pillow bunched beneath her head. It smells like hair oil and aftershave not mixed with musk as it should be. She has a love/hate relationship with this bed. The mattress is uneven now, unbalanced from a single body moulding the same spot night after night; she often wakes with a stiff back and aching shoulders. Ava knows she should flip it, but she’s never really bothered with things like that. Besides, even changing the sheets these days is a rare event. Why bother? It’s dark outside, and the walls are cold. She knows it’s late, maybe 3am, and she knows she should sleep. But like most nights her head is churning, curdling memories and broken dreams. Soft curls and stubbled cheeks, wide eyes she struggles to recall the exact colour mix of (although she’s sure she knew it by heart once, somewhere between chocolate jade and gold) this is what she remembers sharing her bed. When she finally slips into sleep, Ava doesn’t know what will come. Sometimes she dreams of the past, happier scenes collected in montage, sometimes pure sugary fantasy, sweet to the taste, dissolving slowing across her mind and decaying her sense. And sometimes still she sees another pair of hands in his hair and on his chest. Her head on the pillow is an uncertain thing. Ava knows she will cry again in the shadows, but she doesn’t know if the tears will be bitter or sweet.
19:40
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it's then I realize the conscience never fades.
When you're young you have this image of your life:
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.
But I will fight for you, be sure that
I will fight until we're the special two once again.
And we will only need each other, we'll breathe together,
Our hands would not be taught to hold another's,
When we were the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'd breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
'Cause we were the special two.
- Missy Higgins, The Special Two
16.04.05 you're mr brightside
I made it three months and they said it would be easier, but it's not because I know how I feel and it's not changing but I don't know how you feel except I suspect it has changed, and I don't know if I can take it past four. I want to let you go. I'm just afraid that it will break me worse.
02:09
Ten Days - Missy Higgins
So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
If I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.
You won't talk me into it next time,
If I'm going away your hearts coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.
'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
Tried letting go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.
So tell me, did you really think...
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't...
'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home, yeah,
You're still the only one that feels like home,
You're still the only one I've gotta love.
Oh yeah...
08.04.05 how very high school
I wanted to listen to something I didn't really like, so I put on the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack, funny because I wanted to watch this movie again after talking about it in class. I forgot about this song, but it reminded me of you and since I'm tired and full of icecream and gin it seemed prudent to post it here for your reading pleasure. How stupid, and I know I will regret this in the morning and you will be cross at me, and yet I'm going to hit save. Without further ado, Lovefool courtesy of the cardigans and the lovely people at capitol records.
22:56
Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
You love me no longer, I know and
Maybe there is nothing that I can do
To make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
That I ought to stick to another man
A man that surely deserves me
But I think you do
So I cried, I prayed and I begged
Love me, love me, say that you love me
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me
Love me, love me, pretend that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me
So I cry, and I long for you to
Love me, love me, say that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you
Lately, I have desperately pondered
Spent my nights awake and I wonder
What I could have done in another way
To make you stay
Reason will not reach a solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
As long as you don't go
So I cry, I pray and I beg
Love me, love me, say that you love me
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me
Love me, love me, pretend that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me
So I cry, and I long for you to
Love me, love me, say that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you
Anything but you
Love me, love me, say that you love me
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me
Love me, love me, I know that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you
4.04.05 funny thing to say
Falling Down - Travis 23:22
You think
I don’t know
I swear
That I do
This time
On my hands
I’ve had all this time
And I got a kick out of you
Now I’m falling down
And I’m feeling sick how ’bout you
Oh I’m falling
But you seem
Out of sorts
But I know
We’ll be fine
These chances
We take
Time wastes
So much time
But I can’t stand anymore
Without falling down
And I’m getting used to the floor
Forever falling
And I got a kick out of you
Now I’m falling down
And I’m feeling sick how ’bout you
Oh I’m falling
Yeah I’m falling
31.03.05 Another song from me to you
18:09
walked in and this was playing. Cute and somehow optimistic despite the circumstances. And I so know how he feels. Some days I wish you and I could just start over, but I think we'd still end up in the same place. At least for now. Uggg. Pain killers and cold and flu tablets are making me weird. Love you. Oh and the eightball seems to have changed its mind: "As I see it yes".
First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes
This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach
Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go
And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home
Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you had just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”
So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Then waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me
28.03.05 Procrastination and a broken heart, a dangerous combination...
21:13
you're trying not to get too close... but we already got there...
25.03.05 the eight ball says "outlook not so good"
00:21
11.03.05 you're the truth not i
I'm in a Placebo mood today. Is it possible to categorise one's emotional state through song? I'm giving it a damn good try. Maybe I'm just lazy. Nevertheless, this song is fun and sweetly pathetic. I'm in love with it, too. 00:22
I wanna be much more like you
Your effortlessly graceful scene
That drips from every pore of you
Where logic cannot intervene
I wanna take a bath with you
And wash the chaos from my skin
I wanna fall in love with you
So how do we begin ?
I wanna be a girl like you
The way you swing your hips in jeans
I wanna wear my face like you
Shiseido MAC and Maybelline
I wanna paint the town with you
And tickle you until you scream
I wanna fall in love with you
I wanna say I do
I wanna say I do
I wanna say I do
I wanna say I do
I wanna say I do
I wanna be much more like you
The way your smile lights up the room
I'll kick back as men flirt with you
To jealously I'll stay immune
This confidence in me and you
This hope that you and I will bloom
I wanna fall in love with you
I wanna say I do
I wanna say I do
I wanna say I do
I wanna say I do
I wanna say I do
The question is do you ?
05.03.05 broken record
Once again relying on someone else's words to speak my mind. Todays emotions brought to you by Mr Jack Johnson: 22:32
I was sitting, waiting, wishing
You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you would see the signs
But lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain’t the lord no I’m just a fool
Learning loving somebody
Don’t make them love you
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you?
Must I always be playing, playing your fool?
I sang your songs I danced your dance
I gave your friends all a chance
But putting up with them
Wasn’t worth never having you
Maybe you’ve been through this before
But it’s my first time so please ignore
The next few lines because they’re directed at you
I can’t always be waiting, waiting on you
I can’t always be playing, playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But it’s not my scene
Want this plot to twist
I’ve had enough mystery
You keep building it up
But then you’re shooting me down
But I’m already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Well if I was in your position
I’d put down all my ammunition
I’d wonder why it had taken me so long
But lord knows that I’m not you
And if I was I wouldn’t be so cruel
Because waiting on love
Ain’t so easy to do
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you?
Must I always be playing, playing your fool?
22.02.05 i think you're beautiful
I was at the QUT pub yesterday with Cathy and Lawrence, having a few drinks and playing pool. Which of course reminded me or being at the Griftafe pub with the girls, the DUB with Hannah and any random guys we could rope into playing (and usually beat) and O'Kelly's with you. I think while it's hard for you because you're in a new place and everything is different, you at least get the benefit of not being reminded everywhere you go by what you did there and who you were with. I can't walk into a bar in the valley and not feel a pang of 'Nicholaslessness' (a state previously known as 'Nickfucked') which is not to say I break down and cry, I keep going day after day and I'm as happy as I was before I met you. I do my things, I love my friends, I get a kick out of intercepting a scary netball pass and making a damn fine throw to the goal circle. Take THAT skanky ex-pro girl who kept trying to knock me down!!!! But it still feels like something is missing, there's a little hollow in my chest that wants to be filled up again. The problem of course being that the little hollow is used to being filled with a particular person and not just anyone else will fit. I guess over time it might lose shape and relax enough for someone else to fill it. Maybe. I guess the only way to find that out is to wait, Which is what I'm doing anyway. Either way, things will sort themselves out. And I know in the mean time I have to keep taking care of myself and being my own person. But I still have to see you everywhere I go, which brings me back to yesterday at the pub. This song played and it reminded me of us too. While the intended reading is probably a little different from my own, I'm sure you'll get the gist.
12:43
Found myself just the other day
In the backyard of a friends place,
Thinkin’ about you,
Thinkin’ of the crowd you’re in,
What you up too where you been?
(Just thinkin’)
And all the clothes that you wear,
And the colors in your hair
Shouldn’t change you
Now you tell me why it’s so
You bigger than mighty Joe,
(At least you think so)
God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care
And I would love to bring you down,
Plant your feet back on the ground
Throw my smoke down on the ground,
Turn my head and I heard the sound,
(That reminded me)
Of the days so young and sweet
Always so much fun to meet
(At least I thought so)
Now you think your so damn fine
You can rule the world no not mine,
I don’t think so
God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care
Now the scene that you’re in,
And the people that you been with
Just get to me,
But you think I’m not as cool,
As you are so beautiful
Well who you fooling
Well I’m here to tell you babe
The game your in is just a game
So damn pretentious
God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care
And I would love to bring you down,
Plant your feet back on the ground
You think you’re so beautiful
(So beautiful)
07.02.05 i don't want to be alone
I'm less sure of myself when I'm by myself, when there's no one left to justify my feelings and actions to, when I can't make an argument and feel like things are okay because I'm the bigger person and I know what I'm doing and this is my choice. I'm left with a plastic eight ball and online magazines telling me my monthly stars, who print pathetic responses to heartfelt questions about relationships. What qualifies a personal coach to tell some girl to give up on a guy who may or may not know what he's doing? You know the answer before you write in, it's sitting inside you the hard part is owning up to your own knowledge. You need to find that answer and cling to it otherwise all hell breaks loose. It shouldn't be that hard. 17:21
I'm dreaming again: obvioudly didn't drink enough last night to shut my unconciousness up. You weren't there this time, someone else was and it was like falling into my own safety net: someone caught me, he's a sweetheart and it sufficed, but it was disappointing because it wasn't what I wanted. I grabbed for another set of hands and they were slippery so I fell. Falling into something 'safe' isn't the same as taking the risk and feeling the high of grabbing something better.
I'm waxing lyrical again and it probably makes no sense. I wish I could shape it into something worthwhile, but I lack the will and the talent. I can't write, I never could. I can only start something and never complete it, and I leave it hovering in the back of my mind to haunt me and tease me. It doesn't let me go either. Everything I know is made up of cycles and repititons, and there's always a low point, but I don't know how long this one is going to last. It's out of my hands and I'm alone, taking solace in a bottle and tin of cigars I found in a handbag your mother gave me. I don't know how long they've been there but it was the highlight of my day.
It hurts, the little part inside me that bounces when you smile and laugh with me is crouched in a corner crying and I don't know how to make her feel better. Everywhere I look and go there's something that was ours or yours, or just reminds me of you and it's a small comfort but the more you rely on that it makes it harder to let go. I know what the answer to it all is, there are two options, one I don't know how to impliment and the other I don't know if I've got the strength to follow through. I don't want a plastic magazine to tell me which, I don't even trust the eight ball that much. I wish it were as simple as flipping a coin. I just want to feel better, but the fight's gone out of me today. I feel like a cancer or psych patient, good days and bad days with no warning which it's going to be. I'm so tired and sick of waiting already, I just want to sleep through the year and have someone else tell me the score when I wake up.
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Truth beauty and a picture of you
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Youth truth beauty fame boredom and a bottle of pills
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
You shouldn't leave me alone
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Bare feet like a tom-boy and a crooked smile
Truth youth beauty fame boredom red hair no hair innocence
Saturday and a picture of you
A letter to you on a cassette
You shouldn't leave me alone
Forty shaved sexy wants to do it all day
With a gun-totin' trigger-happy tranny named Kinky Renée
Tired teacher twenty-eight seeks regular meetings for
masculine muscular nappy-clad brutal breeding
While his wife rough-wrestles with a puppy all aquiver
on a wine-soaked strobe-lit Asiatic hall
of mirrors and a dash of loneliness
There's no aphrodisiac quite like it
Truth youth beauty fame boredom red hair no hair
innocence impunity and a picture of you
I got a video set-up me love you short time she pay
me suck his finger with some fine wine
And a dash of loneliness
Truth youth beauty fame boredom red hair no hair innocence awkwardness impunity
And a picture of you
05.02.05 blink and you'll miss it
I said I wouldn't headcase or email, but I got in my car to go to work and this song played. If this were a movie we would have reached the turning point marking the transition from act 2 to act 3. I'm a little afraid of how it ends. I'm sure I auditioned for another part, but I guess the director didn't like me in that role. 01:10
and every time you crave for me i'm, here
and anything you hunger for i'll share
and i will be quietly standing by
while slowly i am dying inside
hold me in your arms
and let me be the one who can feel
like i am a child in love
every time i talk to you you're down
and every time you need a laugh i'm around
and when you forget i'm here i'm not
it isn't really me that you forgot
hold me in your arms
and let me be the one who can feel
like i am a child in love
whisper now
and tell me how you'll watch me
and tell me somehow i'm gonna be alright
01.02.05 into the boi box
It's been so long since I've done this I think I have maybe forgotten how. And don't give me that riding a bike analogy because I never learned to ride a bike. How about we start with where we've been, get to where we're at, then ponder where we're going...
Since last rant I've survived another semester of uni, officially become an aunt (I've even changed nappies damnit, I'm in the club), somehow retained my ever mundane and mind numbing job, joined a netball team with a friend from uni (never ever thought that would happen, nor that I would enjoy competitive sports so much) and lost the love of my life and closest friend to the snow covered lands of Canadia (new that was going to happen but still not really accepting it) and suprisingly haven't totally lost the plot! My beautiful friends have once again been there to hold me up and ply me with icecream and alcohol which softened the blow considerably. Going to Melbourne to stay with my brother, sister-in-law and niece was also the most sensible thing I could have done. Had wonderful company, kept very busy, and had a very well behaved and gorgeous baby to keep me smiling. Am now less scared of having my own, but definately not ready for them for quite a while yet! It also kinda made me realise why it is people have children to 'save a marriage'; having the responsibility of caring for that child and the company and cuddles and smiles that come along with it is sort of soothing. I also realise this is a totally unhealthy reason to have a child, I'm just saying I think I understand it. Certainly missed the company when I came back to Brisbane. I think that's when it actually registered he was gone too. Lacking his presence in another city wasn't so strange; being on his side of town and knowing you can't just stop in is strange.
I think the hardest thing has been getting used to not having daily contact and having to make do with grabs of converstation whenever it fits around time differences and our schedules. There's so much you want to say but in the end you only have maybe 15 minutes and it's just not enough time to get it all out. Losing the emotional support has sucked more. It's hard not to get angry and upset when the person who usually helps soothes those emotions is now part of what made you cranky in the first place. I'm trying desperately to learn to take care of myself again, but truth be told, I don't think I was ever very good at it. And I'm trying to learn to be single again. Labelling oneself single doesn't really change what your head and heart feel. I still feel attached, I'm still in love, I still want to give everything, but I just can't express it. Which makes me feel like rather than the relationship ending it's regressed back to very early stages. Sometimes I wonder what was real and what I've fabricated, or twisted, to fit the nice happy scene I thought I was playing in. That sounds harsher than it should. I guess it's just I don't trust my memory: it's never been very good.
Then there's the things that I never expected to feel. Paranoia for one. Which is kind of tied in with the fear of inventing past happiness. I get paraoid that what I remember isn't right and this whole scenario is his way of letting me down easy - stupid - every now and then I get a flash of something happening that I really would rather didn't ie. buxom canadian girls lacking clothing - it comes out of nowhere and it's nauseating - if you think about things like that too long it just does your head in. Was chatting to one of the teachers from my prac school, who very sensibly told me to not worry about it. If I worry about it I just become a wreck and turn into this nasty bitch who isn't me but is hell bent on taking out any kind of relationship with him. If I left her in control things would end very badly. Then there's those moments when I still feel like a safety net: intentionally there, used when needed, but easily forgotten about when you're on a high. On good days thoughts like this don't enter my head. On bad days I'm swamped and volitile. Most days I just try to do so much I don't have time to stop and think. This year will be easier once uni goes back - it's going to be non-stop almost from February through to December - I just hope I can direct my thinking towards pulling good marks and landing a real job.
I don't want to be the annoying nagging exgirlfriend, I want to be strong and grownup enough to be able to let go and let fate take it's course. But at the same time I want to cry and scream and break things. It's very difficult finding a happy medium. Enter my latest alter-ego: Miss Ava Bird. I know the name seems kind of silly, but once it popped into my head it stuck and it doesn't wish to be changed.
I was determined to write a novella this year, based on my experiences, but through the eyes of Ava thus allowing me a lot of bending of the truth along with the guise of fiction to hide behind. That's all writing really is isn't it? Telling the story of the lives, the way it is in our own head, with garnish and censorship and lots of make-up. If it ever starts (let alone get's completed) it will be called the boi box. Metaphor in part (not the dirty one) for that little place inside you that you keep all those moments and memories that mean so much to you, and also literally for the box I keep on my dresser (and thus so does Ava) of trinkets and odds and ends that mean something to us both. I want to write this because it will keep me busy, and I think I have the time now to finish it. I want to write it because I need to express myself somehow and writing used to give me such a release. I never needed it when he was here, my energies were fed and utilised in other ways, and I'm a little afraid that I've forgotten how to do this too. But then I guess I managed to spill my guts here when I thought I couldn't. Words on a page are easy - they come from you but for somereason the middle-man of paper (or screen) makes them less real and sometimes less honest. Blergh. What along and self-involved rant about me me me. Well I'm the person I have to come home to each night, I'm the person I have to sleep with and I'm the person I have to learn to take care of. I probably should get used to me, I'm going to to stuck with her for a while yet. Regardless, I'm still sitting here with a glass of gin and tonic listening to his CDs and thinking about what has been and what might be. The magic eight ball says he's coming home. It doesn't lie. But neither does he, and there are no promises made to break.
A trinket from the boi box, courtesy of Mr Harper:
Ashes to ashes
And dust to dust
That’s what has become
Of our love and trust
Love has no direction
Cause love has no aim
Love can leave you
As fast as she came
Meeting is such sweet sorrow
Cause someday we may have to part
Hush don’t you make a sound
You’re gonna let me down
Good things come
To those who wait
But good things are gone
From those who are late
All that I am
Is all I can give
But with or without you
My life I must live
Meeting is such sweet sorrow
Cause someday we may have to part
Hush don’t you make a sound
You’re gonna let me down
Living ain’t easy
Since you’ve been gone
No one else can please me
Or make me feel home
Forgetting ain’t easy
You stay on my mind
Thoughts of us haunt me
Can’t leave them behind
01:17
17.07.04 I hate everything.
Right now I feel like a moody teenager and everything is pissing me off. It's not just me though, my mother's at the end of her tether too. I think the world's just going to shit and everyone's finally caught up to the fact. I am procrastinating until I have to go to work. I HATE 9 - 2am shifts... mind you if my cousin gets a job at pizza slut with me I'll be looking for other employment. It would be about time. There's only so long a 20 something can work for below minimum wage and still hold onto their dignity. Blirk. Work in general sucks arse. If it weren't for the fact that I can walk in sit on my arse and remain totally anonymous because I'm old and everyone else is 12 and easily frightened off, it would be unbearable. And the customers are going more feral. Which adds weight to my theory about everyone realising the world is a shitty place and taking it out on everyone else. Like the guy who tried to tell me I conned his 9 year old daughter into buying a defective products. Maybe you shouldn't let your daughter order shit on the phone on her own, arsehole, let's try that on for size shall we? Blirk blirk blirk.
All that shit aside, I'm still waiting on my last uni result, which is funny since I start back on monday and may well have failed the exam thus making my continuation next semester a little tricky. Especially since enrollment closed last week sometime so I probably can't enrol in any alternative subjects without a whole lot of paperwork and time wastage... just a guess there. Having said that though, last semester went pretty well. I think I actually like this whole teaching bit. I still can't believe I managed to get up in front of a room full of kids and speak calmly and clearly. I was sooooo expecting to freak out like I usually do. And it was kind of exciting when I realised that I wasn't just speaking, but they were actually learning and understanding the shite I was spouting... kinda makes you feel very concious about what you're talking about up there... which I guess it's supposed to. Funniest moment was being cracked onto by an older student. Well actually that and when I wrote on the board in permanent marker. :) Most frustrating was /Chrissy\ <--- *tone* Chrissy has the attention span of a braindamaged gold fish. And I discovered I'm allergic to grade 9s: they give me fever like symptoms and cause my blood pressure to rise and my voice to disappear. *shudder* All in all though it was kinda nice and I can see myself doing it for a while... more than anything else anyway... but maybe not the rest of my life.
What else... my niece is on her way which is very exciting and I bought her the perfect toy :) It was my duty as her aunt to find the perfect toy. My sister in law's tummy is very big, but it is far away in Melbourne. I saw it at 6 months and it was huge and lovely to touch (I have a fascination with touching baby tummies) but aparently it has become much larger. My brother says the Beastie waxes proportionately with my sister in law's tiredness... he's going to be a wonderful father. I dare say that child is going to have wonderful parents full stop actually. My brother certainly knows what to do and what not to do from our own family. But let's not go there right now, else I will get crankier.
The only other thing worth mentioning I guess is the ever looming knowledge that my best friend and lovely boi is leaving the country in December. That's something else I hate. It's kinda redundant to say why. But I'm going to. I hate that I'm going to be left alone again. It's not just that I rely on him for support and love and everything, which I know I probably shouldn't do so much, but hell I just like his company. No one knows me that well, and I don't think I know anyone else that well. And I'm scared I'll lose the only person who's meant what he means to me. I don't want to have to go through the looking and chasing and getting comfortable shite with someone else. Especially when we work so well. We do fit together like puzzle pieces. I'd like to keep it that way. And the idea of ANYONE touching him that isn't me sends me through fits of illness and pissyness. Anyone reading in Canada, or England or South Africa, touch the Nekolas and a wailing harpy bunny will come hunt you down. Blergh. It doesn't change what's going to happen. At the end of the year I'm going to be thrown back into the freezing waters of single life and the person I love most in all the world will be half way across the globe. Shit happens, I'll cope. But I will be waiting and I know that makes you worry. :p Too bad.
Oh a suppose it's also worth mentioning that Placebo totally kicked arse and I am so glad I finally saw them play their own concert live. And while I think about it, last update, in February, when I said I would be updating frequently... I suppose you worked out that kinda didn't happen... and probably won't be happening regularly. Uni eats my time, work sucks out the left overs and the scraps get tossed to my ever patient friends. Speaking of my lovely friends, I miss you guys. Especially those of you traipsing around the globe and those who I've let drift into obscurity. I promise to come looking. I've got a bad ass torch and everything...
20:09
29.02.04 Holy crap I feel old!!!
Excuse the scattered-ness, I'm periody which means I have the attention span of a 10-year-old ADD boy named Rory and the memory of a goldfish... but:
I'm going to be an aunty :) Which is as far as I'm concerned my most exciting piece of news! Although I now feel kinda old and a little panicky about starting yet another degree. This is sooo the last one! Anyway the baby news happened on a weeks holiday to Melbourne to visit my Brother and Sister-in-law (and sasquatch, as my brother likes to call his unborn child :) was presented with an ultrasound picture and two kinda smug faces one night, which sort of made the trip. Am very much looking forward to spoiling my niece (it has to be a girl, I've always imagined it being a girl) rotten. That and the Nickhead managed to spend a whole week together with no arguments or bodily harm! Not that there has been previously, but you know it's a relationship step... or something.
Was also treated to the Bowie concert a couple days after we flew back to Brisbane, which can I say was FUCKING AWESOME!!! I mean, it's David Bowie, of course it's going to be good, but it's nice to see a performer who really knows what they're doing on stage and clearly enjoys doing it. Definately one of those things that's going to stick in my memory still I'm wrinkley. And it means that Placebo have a lot to live up to this month FINALLY... I'm sure I'll cope :)
On a not so happy note my grandad died a few weeks back, which was weird. He had been sick for a very long time, but I guess you just don't expect them to actually die, and it ended up being a heart attack rather than emphysema that killed him. I forget that we're not really supposed to live as long as we do these days: 82 isn't so bad, especially for a smoker. It's one of those events where you kinda remember how much you care about certain people. I've never felt as close to my brothers as having to stand up in front of family (some of whom I didn't know existed) and read our version of a Euology. I couldn't read, so I made them do it and we were all fine until Michael's voice cracked. And that was it. But when we hugged each other you kinda knew it was okay and it was just that last moment of letting go and afterwards you would feel fine, a little sad, but fine. I think I'm lucky, a lot of people don't have siblings that they get a long with.
But that aside, I guess I'm settled again. Have moved into my mother's granny flat, but still haven't managed to save a cent - yay for shitty dial-up modem and uni (text books? I have to buy textbooks?! What the hell kinda degree is this?! :) I'm so not used to the concept of prescribed texts, or exams - I'm a film student for chrissakes! - but I suppose I'll get used to it. The thing I miss most about living in my old place is having a house full of people (most of the time) there was always someone to talk to. And I miss my room. It holds a lot of positive energy, and a lot of stuff happened there. I remember the first night I stole my kitten away, many late nights of assignment writing, filming and delirious group uni work. Just stuff that didn't need to happen anywhere specific but happened there and that made the space special. I guess I have a new room to do that in now: I call it the bunny bunker, 'cause it's partly underground and the walls are concrete :) Anyway...
Here ends my last weekend of freedom. Uni starts this week and I'm doing 4 semesters over 3; the next 18 months are going to be kinda hectic. And there's a whole lot of stuff going on outside of uni that I have to take into account. I guess I'll get through it, I always do. But wish me luck, I promise to update once a month (probably more for headcase, I'm sure I'm going to need to vent, and it's the only way I'll ever remember what I did with my time) and here's to the start of the only degree I've started that's actually going to get me a job ;)
love and *hugs* to all my lovelies
xoxoxoxoxox
23:24
02.01.04 Are we there yet? Just a little further...
Where to start...
One thing ends and another two begin. Last year was perhaps the craziest of my life. I'd like to call it 'the year of change' but that comes across a little wanky. Nevertheless I finished a whole lot of things I'd started, including my degree, I grew-up some more, I gained my independence, I fell in love and I quit smoking. Busy, no? Uni took a lot out of me this year and while I'm glad I did film, I'm happy to leave it behind at least for a while. I would like to take some time to rejuvinate my create glands, since our final production sucked them dry. Hence lack of updating, lack of life and general scatteredness.
Mind you, I'm about to start a whole new degree this year. I'm going to be doing secondary education. Fools they think I can actually teach FILM... I can't wait for the "Why should I be a filmmaker" questions. Here's a clue: I studied to be a filmmaker and now I'm your teacher! I get excited when I think about it though, nervous but excited, so I think it's where I should be. I am somewhat fearful of how much of my life is going to be leached through another degree. At least it's an accelerated course, so it'll only take 18 months, but I have to study over summer (which is going to cost me almost $4 000) after which I will be heading for Japan. I figure I'll teach English for six months when I'm done, earn some money to pay off the loan I'm going to have to take out to study... ughh... it's all this grown up shite again! I'm so sick of worrying about finances and plans and what ifs, but I can't just leave it up in the air. I need to have a plan, and a back up plan, and another just in case... but more about that later.
It's kind of strange coming back to this site to finally finish and upload it because there's so much of my old life in these pages. Some things make me cringe, a lot makes me smile, and a couple pieces even make me blush. :) I look at things I've written in my darkest places and it feels strange. I remember what it was like to be there, but it seems so distanced from where I am now that it's hard to accept I was in that state.
I know I'm a very different person to a year ago. I guess the new design reflects that. But while the outside has changed, and there are new ideas and goals in my life, I'm still me. I think some of the people I love have forgotten that. I don't want them to. Just because I put on a pink dress and learned to cook, it doesn't mean I'm not me. I'm happier now, I'm not faking, this is just another stage in my growth and development. I still love you, you can still talk to me, I still think the same as I used to (except that boys don't always have germs and babies might not just be expensive smelly accessories used to appease grandparents and carry a marriage a little longer ;) and I still care about what you feel and where you're at. Regardless of where I go and what I do, I always want to know you're happy.
And where will I be in a year and a half? Where will any of us be for that matter? I have plans, they scare me shitless, but I have them nonetheless. I'm going to have to make them a reality eventually too and that's even scarier. There'll be a point when I have to fill out paper work and commit myself to a decision. My doll says he's going away for a year in 2005. He has the paper work already. I want to look at it but I'm scared of that too. Once I see it, it's not just idle talk and speculation. 12 months... it's a very long time.
12 months until you go. Anything could happen in that time, I know. But what if it doesn't. What if we get to that point and I have to let you go. You're stubborn and once you get an idea in your head you go with it. I'm already scared about the email that says "I've met someone..."
if things aren't called off before you go. And even if you don't go, if I'm away for 6 months will you wait until I get back, or is that it?
See, what ifs... and I know I'm never alone, but without you I get lonely and there is a difference. I don't want to lose you. I'm happy and I'm content, and I don't see why I shouldn't get to stay that way! ^.^ I didn't mean to spout this on here either, but it's easier than trying to talk about it. I've got plans, places I want to go and things I need to do. You're featured in most of those, doll. I know that scares you, but they're only plans and they're not on paper, yet. I know things change and I can't know what's going to happen. But for now I know what I would like to happen later. I don't think there's any harm in that.
I don't know... I guess here's to another year and a new start, leaving behind the things I never needed and beckoning to keep those things and people I love close to me still. Or at least for as long as they'll have me. Be safe, be well and be happy.
*hugs* & *kisses*
17:33
16.03.03 'trapped inside your heart-shaped box...'
Well... life never ceases to amaze does it? Who'd have thought this is where I'd be at. Two years ago, fuck a month ago, I couldn't possibly have ever imagined it conceivable to be so bloody happy. Things aren't perfect (that's impossible) but it's damn close. I hit some hurdles (face first) but I leapt over them eventually. And now I am blissfully falling. I hope it never ends.
You know what, I usually use this space to blurt out headfucks, or to think outloud, or to generally sort out my shit, but not today. There is no shit to be sorted, my head is fine, and I am happy. The reasons for which really are not the concern of the general public. Everything is being bundled into a little box and kept for someone special.
love & *hugs*
m
16:33
01.03.03 'so i landed on my feet, the steadiness is bittersweet...'
This is gonna be long and painful, my head is full to overflowing...
Bittersweet pretty much sums it up. I think I'm okay now, but every now and then I trip a little. I can smile and laugh and greet the world, but left to my own devices I drift. Being left to my own devices right now is a bad plan. I get myself into trouble with alcohol and violent random pick-ups. I've never felt like a bigger whore in all my life as I did on Saturday night. I am never to drink on my own in public because I apparently do not know how to say no. I am embarrassed and ashamed and can't believe it was me that did that. Acting my age might be a plan. It felt so wrong to be back in that headstate, it was like trying on an old dress that doesn't fit anymore: awkward and uncomfortable. Never ever again.
I hated today. It was my Auntie's birthday and I feel awful that I didn't visit her grave, but it was late by the time I got home and strolling through cemeteries at night is another habit I've kicked. Everything felt negative, I was despondant and nauseous all day. I don't know why. Everyone is sick at the moment, which probably doesn't help the general mood of my little universe. Older members of my family are being stubborn as hell about their health, which frustrates me no end. When you lose the use of your arm periodically it should be an indicator that something is wrong and you need to see a Doctor. Furthermore, when you see that Doctor you listen to what s/he has to say and you take the fucking medication s/he prescribes. I can see my Grandmother is scared, but she can't pretend the problem isn't there.
On that note, I don't want to get old. I feel old and used up already--how many times have I caught myself saying that lately--I don't want to end up alone and useless. I watch my Grandparents potter around a cluttered dusty house, unable to keep it on their own, both of them off to see Doctors about random health problems. All they've got keeping them going is each other and they can't even sleep in the same room any more. Writing shit up for my Grandmother today I had to read a euology a friend of hers had written for his wife's funeral. I don't want to find myself doing that 50 years from now. How do you convey to a random congregation how much someone meant to you? And why should you have to? Isn't it enough to just feel it and know it in your heart? And what does it feel like to have that torn out when that person is permanently ripped out of existence? I can't imagine surviving that kind of grief.
How fucked up is it all?! We spend our youth trying to learn and play and experience as much as we can handle (sometimes more) find a person we think we want to share it all with for the rest of our lives and slowly grow too old and stubborn to even sleep next to each other. Then one of you dies. Is it a relief or total emotional decimation? I don't want to do that. I don't want to end up with three kids and a husband who's left me for his waifish twenty-something secretary. That's what I am scared of most. I can feel my attitude changing. I am scared to be alone now. I always used to be so independent and strong and sure of myself, but lately I forget who I am. Once I started questioning what I thought were my truths I lost sight of everything. What do I want to do with my time? I need to work that out pretty quickly, because I haven't got enough time to be wasting. Do I want to teach? I think I want a family, I think I want the experience of being pregnant, and now I want to follow it up with the sensation of a little person propped on my hip. But I'm not sure, and how can I take on that kind of responsibility if I'm not sure? I don't want to fuck up another life. And who the hell can I trust with the responsibility of bringing that child up with me? Any person I ever care for a relationship with either isn't interested, is totally screwed up, or ends up breaking me. And I am shit scared of being left alone. I don't want to be my mother. I haven't the strength she had. I cannot make the sacrifices she did. I think.
Maybe all I really want to do is cook and clean and reproduce. Two years ago that was my worst nightmare, but if it means I get to spend my time with someone who completes me and stays by my side, isn't that enough? Is that all I want? Do I need to use my degree and have a career? Maybe I do want to teach. That means more study and more time I can't give to other people. Does that make me independent or selfish? I'm lonely. I miss having someone to hold me and to hold. But if I can't give them the time they need then it's only going to come crashing down. My head hurts. I'm unstable. Hannah says in my current state I am not able to hold a relationship. I think she's right. Yet I seem to have convinced myself that's what I need to make me happy. I am pretty sure that's really only due to recent heartbreaks. Am okay with that now, more or less. It still pangs, but I imagine it always will. There are some things you never stop feeling and you never forget, you just learn to accept and take it in stride. As long as everyone else is happy, I can cope.
It's all too hard. Uni starts back next week, which is equally scary and exciting. Film work lately has been painful and tedious (it's corporate video, of course it is) but it has to happen. Am just worried it's going to drag into an already busy period. Have sold my soul to Pizza Slut once again, and arranged a permanent roster. I now have a 20 hour day on Friday. That will eventually kill me, I'm sure. Haven't got a script idea for my scriptwriting subject, still, after 4 months of trying. Haven't lined up my work experience for this semester either. I am starting to feel pressured and if I think about it all at once I seriously begin to hyperventilate. What am I doing with my life?! Where did all the time go? Is it always going to fly past so quickly and if it does what the fuck is the point?! I feel like I'm going to cry again. I already did that today when I read about a miscarraige. Funny how little things from so long ago still snatch at your heart. Why am I so emotional? My mood swings are ridiculous, I don't know how the fuck my housemates are putting up with it. The only things keeping me sane at the moment are cooking, walking, and art. H, C, L an co. are all being lovely and understanding, but it is only so long until they get tired of my shit. I have to school myself to shut the hell up and hold it in. I used to be so good at that, you'd think it would be easy.
Bagh. I give up. Doesn't matter how much I try and think it through I just get more tangled. It's simply too much to deal with. Am going to have to take it one step at a time. And fucking hell I would kill for a cigarette right now, but I will not buy them. I am a stubborn bitch and I am determined to kick that. I should not have to rely on any drug, thing, or person. My life is directed and dictated by me alone.
So why am I floundering, waiting for someone to tell me what to do? You say jump, I'll say how high...
come and rescue me
from in the water deep
careful now don't lose your aim
the road ahead is clear again
I haven't found it yet
you drift away so slow
in the ebb and flow
so I landed on my feet
the steadiness is bittersweet
it feels the same when you're pushed
out and away and into the crush
in all the hidden pleasures you find
in what you're looking for
I hope that you remember that pride
comes before a fall
I can barely see up and down and back again
despite what you believe
I keep away from trouble
if who I am today's a sign of where I'm going
I'm ready to embrace
It takes the pain away
That could not make you stay
It's way too broke to fix
No glue, no bag of tricks
Your smile would make me sneeze
When we were Siamese
Amazing grace in here
I'd pay to have you near
Don't go and lose your face
At some stranger's place
And don't forget to breathe
And pay before you leave
Never thought I'd get any higher
Never thought you'd fuck with my brain
Never thought all this could expire
Never thought you'd go break the chain
All alone in space and time.
There's nothing here but what here's here's mine.
00:41
20.02.03 'watch me care take 2...'
It had to happen sooner or later. Everything was going just a little too well. I can't decide what hurts more... the fact that something I have wanted so desperately for so long was dangled in my face then snatched back, the fact that I will never ever ever get to feel so complete again, or the knowledge that I was too stupid and optimistic to not see it coming. What a week to quit smoking.
I hate feeling this way. I can't even be arsed feeling sorry for myself. I'm simply tired, jaded and used up. And I'm only 21. Do I get a medal or something? My insides are aching, my heart is shattered and my soul is completely numb. So begins another cycle.
20:01
28.01.03 'hope I like the life I find...'
Fuck me! Am just a shade perkier than last entry and with good reason. I love 2003 already. I realise that measuring time is simply a human concept and there is fuck all difference between 31.12.02 and 01.01.03 but it seems to have given me the chance at a fresh start. I am smiling more and actually meaning it... which is a nice change given my habit for slapping on a happy face when I really want to cry. Why the sudden change in attitude? Here goes...
At some point last year I acknowledged the fact that I am in fact not getting any younger and at some stage I probably should start thinking about my choices as a 'grown-up'. Scary. Especially since it came alongside many an uprooting lifestyle change so to speak. Gay, bi, straight? Marriage, children, responsibility? Jobs, career etc.? GAHHH!!! Too much! Anyway... Soon after all that shit, hit the realisation that I was one of two single people left in my circle of friends... I had a minor freak out, which I am wont to do every now and then. Recovered from that with a minor drug and alcohol binge and some girlie nights.
All that seems to have passed. I am moving out tomorrow (yay for independence!!!) which is my 'grown-up' thing for the moment. I've been cooking and doing domestic things and actually enjoying them (which is creeping my out a little and my friends out a whole lot :) I am still stuck at work but there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. The film work I scored appears to be a little more full on than I had previously imagined, is going well and will be paying me soon. Am loving it! Never ever thought it possible to actually get a job from my degree. What d'you know? Everything seems to be flowing nicely for the moment and I won't complain. There are people elsewhere in the world who have to deal with shit a lot more difficult than my little trifles and fuck knows what the hell the 'current political climate' so to speak is going to errupt into. Scary thought that, but I choose for the moment not to dwell. Naive perhaps, but let me be happy for just a little while!
2003 is supposed to be the year of change... I suppose it's working for me so far. *hugs* and kisses to my lovelies, scattered about the globe though you may be, warm thoughts are with you all always ^.^
20:45
30.12.02 'watch me care'
I feel like shit. Over the past 72 hours I have spent a majority of my time a) coughing up a lung b) drinking alcohol c) stressing d) spiralling down this whirlpool of self destructive behaviour. I know full well that I shouldn't be smoking. I am sick, breathing is difficult already, but I am doing it anyway. Why? Because I can and who's there to stop me? I shouldn't be drinking on medication, nor should I be drinking for absolutely no reason. I am stressed because I am doing these things and know I shouldn't, but these things help to relieve the stress... hence the self destructive cycle I seem to be enjoying so very much. Ha ha.
Went out on Saturday night and I shouldn't have. I was in the wrong head state to be in public let alone in the presence of my people. Have a sneaking suspicion I've pissed some people off. What a big fucking surprise that is. It was only a matter of time.
I really don't think I have much to say for myself, save that I think I am a stupid worthless pathetic little whore who doesn't deserve an ounce of what she has and really should learn to shut the hell up and stop fucking complaining.
I am off to the corner store to buy a packet of cigarettes now. Maybe I will get hit by a bus on the way to save time. Wouldn't that be nice.
18:24
11.12.02 'so lift yourself up now get caught by the wind'
I'm so elated I think I might burst! Everything has gone right this week I am just waiting for something horrible to happen! Or maybe this is payment for everything fucked up that's gone on the past 10 months. I just scored a position as a production designer/whatever else they want me to do or I wanna give a go with some film people. It stemmed losely from my earlier doco work. Totally blown away! Have got stuff to do on at least 3 short films, possibly up to 12 or more, GAHHHH!!!!! The responsibility is very very very scary! I don't want to fuck up, I want to make a good impression I want to do this WELL! I know everyone starts somewhere, but why does it have to be so frightening?! I have butterflies already... O.o
Film shite aside:
Miss Kith-mie graduated on monday, so she is now a BSc. which is most impressive! Watching all those people run around in graduation gowns was cool but I almost cried. I want to graduate, but it's such a huge step. I feel old again! I'm leaving another phase of my life and while so much has happened, there is still so much to see and do. Saw Mr Nicholas today, and he reminded me, as always, that there is so much outside my own little world that I haven't even begun to touch. I don't have time to do it all, I know that, but how do I deem what is worthwhile trying and what is not? How the hell does one make a judgement call like that? My cousin is pregnant again, which has further stirred the question of whether children might one day be a less scary concept than now. I can't imagine it. I think my parenting would suck. But what if my partner was exceptionally good at it? My next question is what partner?! Saw my ex girlfriend AGAIN, what she's doing back in Brisbane I will never know, but as Nick pointed out 'she saw you with a guy though, that's gotta be a good thing'. :P Yes, dear! It's all too much to cope with!
My brain has done a full 360 this year, then bounced a bit, tripped over itself and been smashed against the wall a few times too. But then so has my heart. The bruises are still there, but I can heal them. I meant to type I can feel them healing, but maybe 'I can heal them' is a more accurate statement. So much has happened in 12 months. So many 'life changing' events, so much pain and abuse, yet I feel like an emotional net has been draped over myself and those I love and I've been drawn closer to them. I don't want to lose that and I doubt the bonds I have been graced to form will ever break. Stretch, yes, but to break seems an impossibility.
I can sense I will be needing some stability soon. New things and constant changes are afoot, so some kind of regularity would be nice. I love spontaneity and chaos as much, if not more so, than the next person, but some things have just gotta keep me grounded hey!
Walking along smiling with my arms outstretched, eyes closed, and the wind in my hair, I'm happy. At the moment. ^.^ I hope it is a long long moment.
couldn't we awake from this dream
are we too deep in it?, deep in it?
all that I feared, suddenly comforts me, comforts me
we slowly awake
if just for today
falling asleep, covered by certainty, uncertainty
'cause all that does glitter is not gold to me, gold to me.
it's not too late,
it's just for today
so lift,
yourself
up now,
get caught by the wind
just take
a hold
we know cause this time
is ours
it's short
and there's nowhere but here...
21:26
25.11.02 'i was stone and he was wax, so he could scream and still relax'
People blow me away everyday I exist. I want to understand why we work the way we do, how those little chemicals in our brains (some naturally occurring, some put there by us) make our emotions and decisions form. You put a bunch of strangers into a room and within moments complex relationships start to form. It fascinates me and it frustrates me because I can't possibly ever comprehend why. Psychologists and psychoanalysts try to put us into little boxes and explain away everything but it's not that simple. We are far too complex a creature to catagorise and subdivide. Maybe I sound clinical, I think some people I've spoken to find it off-putting or intimidating when I analyse like this, but I don't mean to. I am passionate about humanity, despite the fact I curse it and sometimes find it revolting, I love those persons I know (or will get to know) but I hate people. I didn't mean for this to start out on a bad note, I was just thinking out loud. Oh and Mr Muso never did call. Another headfuck to add to the list. But he tasted good... ;)
Joss told me on Friday... actually Saturday morning not to be pessimistic. 'Twas a good call. Friday night/Saturday morning we'll come to, Thursday the 7th first...
Thursday marked a milestone for me, I got my first tattoo. So fucking what? It was something I had been wanting to do for a very very long time. It's healed now and looks pretty and still makes me smile whenever I glance at it. I guess sometimes I am simple. The branding of my thigh was partly in celebration of the fact that I had survived second year. Through all the ups and downs (and there were a lot of them let me tell you) we got through it and I have officially made it to the longest point of any degree in my university career. Yay me! One day I may even get my piece of fucking paper!
Friday the 8th... where to begin...
Our end of year presentation for digital media (which we have FINALLY received a Distinction for, fuck yeah!) and the beginning of a new little winding path. Being Griftafe, they provided us with cheap shitty wine. Being film students, we drank it anyway. Scarily enough I remained the most sober and therefore 'mother' of the group and had to discreetly step on my team mates toes to stop them from giggling through some wanky artsy projection, because the head of our school kept glaring in our direction. Whoops... those girls strike again. ^.^ Our demonstrator for the semester got off her face, which was equally hilarious and painful. Poor little thing I imagine had quite a hangover in the morning...
The most interesting part of the evening, as always seems the case with us, took place in the pub. Allow me to set the scene. The techies asked us to join them at the uni bar. Myself and my already fucked friends think this is a fabulous idea and off we go. Brett proceeds to feed us beer, Emma, Hak and I flash our tattoos, as you do infront of your entire year and half the staff (I was by this stage a little less sober... :) Emma and Hak eventually leave us for a table of strangers because they are feeding them liquor and Michala and I proceed to speak shit to our drunken techies for the better part of an hour. At some stage we are supposed to be catching a bus. Michala and I try to convince Hak and Emma this is a good plan. Hak dissappears and eventually comes back with Ben. Ben we are only aware of as starer boy, who happens to smell nice, who had freaked us all out by (as the name suggests) staring at us for the past two years. Anyway, Ben aparently pinky swore Hak that he would drive us all back to Geoff's place so we could then proceed to the valley...
To cut a long long story short...
Ben turned out to be an absolute sweetheart, totally honest, friendly, intelligent etc. and seems to want to take care of our Hak. He's allowed to stay. It was a fucking odd night in that I didn't expect what we got, but didn't care because it was so much better and everyone bonded and had fun.
On a similar vein... last friday... ^.^ It was Greg's birthday on the 22nd, and as I hardly expect anyone to rock up for my actualy 21st (being christmas eve) I called a night of mischief in the valley on his birthday instead. And in keeping with Greg-ness I asked for 20s/30s costumes ^.^ And I got them too! Photos will be posted, depending on how fucked I look... ^.~ Everyone was gorgeous and friendly and blissfully drunk. I was a happy little girl. Or Girl dressed up as a boy who dresses as a girl as the case may be... ;)
Was absolutely off my face on e after about midnight when it finally kicked in. Half of my beautiful people had dispersed by this point and Mr Benjamin came to get Hak and drag the straglers to another club. This turned out to be a spin out and a half. Walked in and all the third year students from my course were there. And Brett the tech, who I ran up and hugged, after he realised who I was because I was wearing a little black wig. Just so you know, my hair is normally red and to my arse, so a 20s bob was a bit of a shock. Any-who, I then had it pointed out to me that pretty much all the staff from uni was there. In my 'happy' state I ran around saying hi to EVERYONE and hugging those I thought appropriate. Eventually found Joss the sound guy and proceeded to earbash him for a few hours (I think, I have no concept of time, all I know is it was dark when I went inside and disturbingly light when I came out) and asked the poor thing some very inappropriate questions... sorry 'bout that! Poor little dear, he was so patient with the hyperactive Greg wannabe pilling off her nut! Bah! Although I do remember what time you're playing Mr smart arse, and I will be there to see it! ;P
Well that was Friday in a nutshell. I guess no one particularly cares for such information, but if I don't write it down somewhere, I will forget! Socialising, night clubs and drugs aside...
My people are intriguing me. Some have paired off, which is interesting to watch as they grow and change. Some are forming new relationships which are equally as fun to watch develop. A couple have faded away into the background momentarily for which they know they will be forgiven. And then a couple seem a little stressed. My little Kith has her last exam tomorrow, so she's tearing her hair out. But I will soothe that with coffee and brownies tomorrow afternoon. Mr Nicholas just seems a little down, and might begin to hyperventilate. :) Don't stress darling childe, it doesn't suit you. You can do anything you want to, never forget that. And happy birthday love. ^.^
*hugs* to all and pleasent dreams to those who are sleeping. Best of luck to those who need a little faerie dust to help them fly. My eternal love to those who've made me smile, laugh, and cry, I think of you often and feel for you always.
I am done now!
Look at your children
See their faces in golden rays
Don't kid yourself they belong to you
They're the start of a coming race
The earth is a bitch
We've finished our news
Homo Sapiens have outgrown their use
All the strangers came today
And it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh You Pretty Things
Don't you know you're driving your
Mamas and Papas insane
Let me make it plain
You gotta make way for the Homo Superior
Sighing, they swirl through the streets
Like the crust of the sun...
And we frightened the small children away
And our talk was old and dust would flow
Thru our veins and Lo! it was midnight...
We were so Turned On
In the Mind-Warp Pavilion...
...all is hunky dory; I remember everything ^.^...
00:17
06.11.02 'we were so turned on by your lack of conclusions'
Today is weird. Actually everything is weird, but I will start with today. Saw many people, all at once which was good. Also saw my ex girlfriend. That was not so good. Weird because I have been expecting to see her for the past month, even though we broke up 2 years ago and I never saw her after. Also weird because she gave me a second glance, I guess I got a little prettier since she last saw me, and because I had no real reaction. I just didn't care. Wasn't sad, wasn't angry, just totally indifferent. I knew in the end she meant nothing to me and vice versa but shouldn't I have had some kind of emotion? I think I am getting too cynical and cold.
Also since I last spouted: met a person out one night and exchanged numbers which is something I have always refused to do. Don't really know where this is going as obstacles and possible insecurities seems to be getting in the way of even meeting up. Very very unsure about it all. They seem nice, and I was followed out of the club and got a little more than a peck on the cheek, but I've got no clue as to what's happening. Also just a shade concerned that this might just be:
a)another one of those things that crop up to fuck me over AGAIN
b)a possible fuck up on my behalf in that I am looking to replace something else that I shouldn't want
I want to talk to a certain someone about this, but he is busy and doesn't need my fuckedupedness on his plate as well as everything else he has to deal with. I am tired and shitty and waiting for something to happen and it isn't and if it doesn't soon I may lose faith in everything. I've already lost faith in so many things this year, I don't know how much more my lil head can take. Why the fuck do I feel so old and used up? It isn't right, it isn't fair, and I am so selfish because people are facing much worse shit than I at the moment so I shouldn't complain. I am alive and healthy and my life is not threatened everytime I walk outside so what the fuck is my problem!
Why am I such a fuck up? Why does no one else see it? Why is there no one I can let see all of it who won't get scared and run out the door? I want a hug. I want to curl back up on the couch again and never have to leave that feeling of total comfort. Eyes closed, beer cigarettes aftershave, din of tired people music down low, warmth tenderness: complete.
Sometimes I cried my heart to sleep
Shuffling days and lonesome nights
Sometimes my courage fell to my feet
Lucky old sun is in my sky
Nothing prepared me for your smile
Lighting the darkness of my soul
Innocence in your arms
Hearts filthy lesson
Falls upon deaf ears
Baby, I've been, breaking glass in your room again
Listen
Don't look at the carpet, I drew something awful on it
See
You're such a wonderful person
But you got problems oh-oh-oh-oh
I'll never touch you
...you'd never let me...
20:55
18.10.02 'miss the outline of your back, miss you breathing down my neck'
Insecure, what ya gonna do?
Well I've come down from the 29 hour shift in the media lab and am presently coming down from the no doz. I honestly have no idea how the fuck we managed to make it that long in that horrible horrible room. When I got home to my PC I tried to delete a file by dragging it to the trash bin. All I could do was scream and giggle hysterically. Macs are the work of the devil, and Director 8 is some heathen spawnling. *shudder* I am giddy because we got our project done on time (for the first time ever! :) and now my assessment is fairly easy. After some sleep I feel a little better, especially since my eyes are now capable of opening and are not rolling back in my head. That was pretty funny... no really. At this very moment I am being ignored by mr rude lawyer pants. Hi Nickhead! ^.^ He's busy and I'm delerious, I'll get over it.
All I want to do right now is take a massive piece of paper, some charcoal or paint and make a huge artistic mess. Only problem there is
I have no gargantuan pieces of paper and my head is empty. :( Okay maybe not empty, but there's too much shite bubbling up there that it's not making any sense and won't correlate to form pretty pictures on a page. And if I draw any other pieces of 'self representative' angry trash I will vomit. Very tired of floating through some kind of intorverted selfish haze. It scares me how easily I can slip on an everything's fine mask and counsel others when inside I constantly feel like crying. I know that's not healthy and am fully aware that I shouldn't be keeping this to myself save for spilling it out in hypertext that no one reads. I'm just so sick of talking about my stupid plastic crappy problem! I know I don't do it a lot, but when I do it's the same stupid bullshit over and over and how can my people not get shitty hearing it again?! I get shitty everytime it floats past the concious part of my brain
It's not my fault. I tried distance, that worked to an extent but ultimately failed, I tried to ignore it, that didn't work, I tried to pretend I was happy and nothing fucked up had happened, which was so very stupid (despite the fact I fooled everyone, yay me I can act *sarcasm*) and *bing bing* what a surprise did not work. Every time I get reeled right back in by some bullshit that should roll right off my back like everything else. Why is it always the worst things? Why why why? I don't want to be over it, because then I feel like I've lost something, and I don't want to lose it, but I can't keep doing this. There's a healthy statement. Something sooner or later is going to give.
Fuck me. I always get like this when I am coming off large amounts of caffeine. Last time I burst into tears because a customer asked me too many questions and I was watching my friends laugh at each other. Genius. Lets see how else I can fuck with my head. Drugs and alcohol are good for you kids. Fill your little glasses and smoke up.
So very fucking pathetic.
Insecure, what ya gonna do
Feel so small, they could step on you
Called you up, answer machine, when the human touch
Is what I need, what I need is you, I need you
Looked in the mirror, I don't know who I am any more
The face is familiar, but the eyes, the eyes give it all away
They're all out to get you, once again, they're all out to get you
Here they come again
Insecure, what ya gonna do
Feel so small, they could step on you
Called you up, answer machine, when the human touch
Is what I need, what I need is you
Let me breathe, if you'd let me breathe
20:55
02.10.02 'mummy what's a manic depressive?'
Bounce, bounce, bounce. Am I feeling better yet? Maybe! Fuck's me as to what my head has decided my current mood is! All I know is I want a cigarette and I can't have one 'cause my scary family is here and their freaky little children aren't allowed to find out I smoke. It's not like I'm going to force them to join me or anything. I want my cancer stick!!!!
I am supposed to be on holidays, but as per usual I am working and filming through out. Does any tertiary level student actually have real honest to goodness holidays? I don't think it's possible. At least filming is fun. Work, on the other hand is still closely resembling the firey pits of hell. Yay for my stupid rude as shit bosses. I don't want your bloody supervisor position, so don't get cranky that I didn't apply! My, my, how the tables have turned...
Jesus shoot me, the small ones are talking AGAIN. They are three rooms away and still giving me a headache! I am hiding in my room, in the dark, hoping no one shall disturb me. If anyone comes within ten feet I am going to hiss at them. Any closer than ten feet and I may bite.
I was all social and shite yesterday, which was nice, for a change. Still count myself lucky for having my friends. I learn something new from all of them pretty much everytime I see them. Am I happy, am I sad, am I at least content? I don't really know, to be honest. I'm not going to throw myself off a bridge, but I don't feel like doing the hula either. My mother told me I looked like someone who had lost their favorite teddy bear. I haven't lost my bear, but I do miss my doll.
I think that's pretty much all it comes down to. Now I should probably go smack my head against a wall for admitting to the fact...
And just when I think it's clear it turns all grey again
And I wonder who will find me in the snow
And just when I thought I was free I got pulled in again
Once you're in, you're in
Blue pastures calling home
I'm walking but I can't stand anymore
Hear voices can't tell near or far
Weird voices - lay me down
And I don't see why I'm obliged to just carry on
When everything I touch turns out wrong
And I feel I've committed some crime - but I don't know what I've done
One day life just wins
Still breathing but I'm tired and I wanna go home
Still breathing but I'm not sure anymore
Still breathing but it doesn't really matter if I fade away
Fall into this sleep - fall into the deep.
20:25
12.09.02 'mood swings not sure i can cope, my life's in plaster (i'm past her)'
A song made me cry today. I bought the Eels' Electroshock Blues just after my aunt died in January and the album worked as a catharsis of sorts. There was a particular song (Dead of Winter) which I listened to repetitively the day of the funeral without really thinking about it. Later I used it as an example of the music I would like for a film we shot last semester. Driving to Uni today that song came on and I finally realised what it was about. Funny how you can listen to something over and over but never really get it. I cried, because the song was sad, because it made me think about my Aunt, because it took me this long to understand.
standing in the dark outside the house
breathing in the cold and sterile air
well I was thinking how it must feel
to see that little light
and watch it as it disappears
and fades into
and fades into the night
so I know you're going pretty soon
radiation sore throat got your tongue
magic markers tattoo you
and show it where to aim
strangers break their promises
you won't feel any
you won't feel any pain
and the streets are jammed with cars
rockin' their horns
to race to the wire
of the unfinished line
thought that I'd forget all about the past
but it doesn't let me run too fast
and I just wanna stand outside
and know that this is right
and this is true
and I will not
fade into
fade into the night
I want to curl up under a blanket, cry myself to sleep and never have to wake back up. Other people are speaking for me today because it's easier:
I'll play dead, if you want me to
if you want me all in my head
i'll play dead, if you want me to
if you want me
whenever she's feeling empty
whenever she's feeling insecure
whenever her face is frozen
unable to fake it anymore
her shadow is always with her
her shadow will always keep her small
so frightened that he won't love her
she builds up a wall
oh no, she knows where to hide in the dark
oh no, she's nowhere to hide in the dark
so I landed on my feet
the steadiness is bitter sweet
her mask is quickly fading
fracture lines showing through
all she is is aging
nothing else to show for herself
screen presence lacking
never was an actor
nor a change of pace
16:10
09.09.02 'without you I'm nothing'
I finally got my j, but no bottle of gin. Baileys will have to do for the moment. Well my brother got married and I have a sister and now I feel old. Wedding was fantastic, in a winery not a church, happy happy! I read a poem for the ceremony and nearly passed out half way through: yay low blood pressure! And I got my red beer. ^.^ Yes I am delerious and babbling. I am stoned and therefore allowed.
Everyone is definately a lot happier this week, including me, but a few kinks still need to be worked out of the tapestry. Two very much long lost faces have tried (within three days of each other) to work their way back into my life. I am scared. Am choosing to ignore this situation for as long as possible. How can someone who hasn't spoken to me in 5 years know me let alone say they miss me? Strangeness ahoy.
My cheque for my doco work arrived today. I felt very special. And then I scanned the cheque. It's image will always reside on my computer since I can't afford to keep the piece of paper! Uni is going okay, assessment is rolling in on time and coming back with decent marks. I finished a 12 page script last night, am very proud. Assignments coming up soon though that are scary and ominous looking. That and I really really want to kill David Cox. Arsehole is REALLY pushing his luck with us at the moment. We are seriously trying to get his arse fired. ^_^ What a joyous occassion that would be! Earbashed Joss our poor little sound guy, who apparently hadn't been home for a couple nights and was consequently a little trashed. I think I scared the poor boi when we deleriously ranted at each other on Friday during my cigarette breaks from the evil lab o' doom. I guess he's probably used to that from me... ;)
I still get the impression that I am being avoided by some, but am taking that with a grain of salt. The aforementioned j did not seem to alleviate my blase attitude in relation to this, but I have been much perkier of late. I haven't stopped moving since Friday night and intend to dance my way through this week too. Still, it would be nice to have someone to dance with. Time for another j methinks.
Strange infatution seems to grace the evening tide
I'll take it by your side
Such imagination seems to help the feeling slide
I'll take it by your side
My therapist said
not to see you no more
She said you're like a disease
Without any cure
She said I'm so obssessed
That I'm becoming a bore
Oh no
Ah, you think you're so pretty
I find you sleeping next to me
I thought I was alone
You're driving me crazy
When are you coming home?
Now your head is used an sore
And the forecast is for more
Memories falling
Like falling rain
23:53
27.08.02 'when I grow up I'll be an angry little whore'
Yay for Nurofen and coffee with Bailey's. Without life's small pain killers I dare say I would be even less enthusiastic about existing this week. Could probably do with more than one cigarette though. It has to last me until 2pm tomorrow. *snort* How much would I have to pay one of you to shoot me? My glands decided to pop up and say 'hello' on Thursday night and subsequently I want to die. Since I feel like I'm already half way there, this shouldn't be too hard. I leave for Melbourne tomorrow morning, way too early, and cannot wait to have the cabin pressure play fun games with my already fragile ears. Where's a teleporter when you need it? Or a dark and pretty gypsy with a magic potion to cure what ails you?
I miss my boys and am hoping that some prose will eventuate soon. The script I have to write this semester has spawned a whole new little pseudo-family for me to play with. Maybe the emergance of some newbies will induce my brood to crawl out of the little hidey-holes in my brain they seem to have staked claim to. Lazy little shits haven't said two words to me since the beginning of the year. Even getting them to pose for a piccie seems an impossible task. Time to lock myself away and go on a creative spree me thinks.
So much has happened in the past few weeks that I don't really know what to make of it. People have come and gone, I've made a fool of myself AGAIN, I've cried a bit, I've laughed a bit less, I've even coughed up some blood. I have a sneaking suspicion the stars and planets are realigning to cause trouble again. Smooth sailing, it would seem, was only to last momentarily. *sigh* Can't have things easy can we? My lovelies are being particularly good to me of late, despite the fact that they are probably not being treated so kindly by the fates. This kinda pisses me off I might add. Why the fuck do good people get treated like shit by stuck up, immature, selfcentred, gutless little pricks? I don't give a fuck what people believe or do as long as it's honest and not deliberately causing anyone pain. Everyone just needs to get over themselves. We're all in this together so fucking pour a drink and come join the party.
As always there are one or two faces hanging back in the shadows. I miss them, but maybe it's for the best. I don't need another head fuck right now. Then again it's a head fuck for me not knowing where I stand with them. What'cha gonna do? Don't mean for this to sound all dark and depressive, I'm just in a kind of blase mood at the moment. I think I'm desensitised or numb or something. Nothing seems to phase me any more. Not sure how I feel about that right now, will maybe have a think about it all at a later date over a j and a bottle of gin. We'll see.
And you may not think much of me now
But I think so damn much of you
Don't take any wooden nickels
When you sell your soul
A devil of a time awaits you
Now the party's over
I'm on my own
It's a motherfucker
How much I understand
The feeling that you need someone
To take you by the hand
And you won't ever be the same
You won't ever be the same
21:24
10.08.02 'and to think that it all did push me around'
Today's episode was brought to you by 'drag' and the letter 'y'. Meh!!! Head fuck central over here! Work has descended to the pits of hell once again. Apparently it's inappropriate for ordertakers to be mingling with supervisors in their off time. Of course it's perfectly acceptable for our manager to be FUCKING ONE OF THE ORDERTAKERS FOR THE PAST 5 YEARS!!! Narrowminded little pricks can take their juvenile little hang-ups and promptly shove them up their arses! If this continues into the week the plot princess is going to have to have words. And possibly bitchslap a couple people. Muwah-ha-ha-ha!!
Worked on my firstest ever paid and CREDITED position in a real documentary today! Yay me! Granted I was simply a camera assistant, but watch me care because it's a fucking start. Brett and Alex I salute you! They put up with constant harrassment and even found time to pass on a few sound recordist tips and miscellaneous knowledge. Love those boys to pieces.
My friends all (almost) seem to be settling into very healthy and happy places, which is lovely to see. Would like to join them there at some stage, but my head can't seem to cope with the concept of not doing itself in right now. Not sleeping properly again, surviving on about 2 hours a night at the moment. Hoping that might be rectified tonight since I was up dark and early at 4am. And, would you believe, I am up at 5am tomorrow to drive to Stanthorpe (3 hours away) for a christening. Maybe things will get interesting and the church will collapse as I stroll in. ^.~ Unlikely, but an amusing thought all the same. Deciding whether or not to do a repeat of Thursday night (woah!) and wear my brand spanking new slutty tartan skirt. I am sure the Christian half of the family would enjoy it. They already think I'm demon spawn, may as well give them something new to talk about.
The two faces I was missing most last time I wrote reappeared, if only briefly, which was all warm and fuzzy but kinda odd. It seems fate doesn't want to play nice. It has to balance things out in an entirely fucked-up fashion. Because I saw these two lovelies, I seem to have had to say temporarily bu-bye to my other lovelies. Completely unfair! Why can I not have everyone in my play pen all the time?! I promise not to bite... maybe. *sigh* Patience, child.
*hugs* to all! May faeries dust your eyelids while you dream, bring you luck and remind you that I love you. ^.^
'Night!
but you soon might escape
if you do find a way,
take me with you
is not in the knowing
its putting aside for
the coming attraction
while out in the parklife
the system is flowing
lets stop again
i'm looking for something
i'm counting on something
to take me into
the next inclination
20:30
05.08.02 'have we found the same old fears? wish you were here'
Been a long time since I spouted here. Possibly because I've been floating out and about away from the little time vortex that is my computer. Uni's back, which is equally good and bad, work is still lingering, and the faces I like to associate with are for the most part still hovering about. Can't complain too much I suppose.
Went to a festival a few weeks back, which was exceptional (apart from being harrassed by the ganja fairy--I am NOT a goddess--and trying not to appear drug fucked in front of people who clearly knew anyway and probably resent me for it...oops) and I want to do it again! Got to see Drag perform live, never seen that before, nearly cried it was so fucking gorgeous. Each song was like a lullaby and at points the music was all that kept me standing. Bought their EP a few days after. Surprisingly I think they sounded better live (not that the CD is bad!) which is something I never say. Also saw Gomez who were beautiful and so very alive. 3 days before the festival I made comment that I wanted to hear a particular song live but doubted they would as it was off the first album. My mistake, they played it about 3 songs in and apparently my face looked like a little kid's at Xmas. I was stoned, I was allowed to be happy! So many bands in only two days, it was kinda crazy but I definately enjoyed myself, give or take a few minor incidents :)
This weekend was quite lovely too. Six friends and myself drove up to Mt Glorious on friday night, dropped a pill and went on a 5km bush walk. We had a candle and a dolphin torch to light the way on this tiny little bumpy path, and aside from the dolphin torch it was all quite tribal. If you looked back at Arian our torch bearer (the candle torch not the dolphin one) as we rounded corners you could make out this line of single file people all silent a deep in concentration, following a flame. It looked rather nifty. When we got to a section of boardwalk we were happy with, we lined up about 100 candles along the rails and lit them, then Mr Muffin pants pulled out his flute and played something by Handel. I cannot possibly describe the beauty of those few minutes and I count myself blessed for being there to experience. I have never felt so close to people as then and I wish I could have told them even more than I did. I needed something to loosen my tongue. Funny how the people you care about most are the ones you have the most difficulty saying that too.
While you may think I'm just drug fucked and spacey, I am only mildly scattered, so there. That is all I have to say today, save for the fact that there's certain people I'm missing who I wish would stop hiding. All in good time.
Oh and BTW, someone found their gifts again...
Baby's neptune's in your moon
Venus in your third
She's in bloom from June through June
Says, "love's no noun, love's a reverb"
I loved my life so small
I've lived my life so SMALL
I've done my best it's time to crawl
SIDEWAYS
To crawl SIDEWAYS
To leave this apparition
To leave this apparition doll
Cos everyone's a junkie
15:59
28.06.02 'Welcome to hell, were you looking for delivery or take away this evening?'
National spun Week is almost at a close! Thank christ. I don't think I can handle much more trippiness. Considering I might be taking my firstest pill ever tomorrow that's probably a bad thing. Meh, what's the worst that can happen? ^.^ I'm sick of feeling vague, my brain leak apparently has not been repaired but the technicians assure me they are still trying their best to locate and rectify the problem. Please hold. *sigh* I hate my head.
I am bored shitless and a bunch of my mother's scary nurse friends are having a dinner party bitching about things they cannot possibly comprehend. My mother has started another of her famous 'but what if' conversations and seems a tad pissed at the annoying blonde woman who tried to have a conversation with me about what it is that I do at University. "You do theatre right?" Close sweetheart but no cigar, and kindly stop looking at me like I am a freak of nature. Yes I have just come from work and yes I can dress this way when I go to work, fuck you very much. Presently I believe they're trying to work out where the best place to go would be if you suddenly found yourself homeless. Fucks me why they talk about these things.
I have to wonder though, when I'm 50 will I be sitting around a dinner table with wine and fucking cheese discussing the worlds woes? Oh wait now the ignorant blonde one has changed the topic to 'The Opera'. Good for her. When I'm fifty I will be dissapointed with myself if I'm not sitting around in some grungy little apartment smoking Js with my friends and loved ones. If the world hasn't turned my crazy by then surely the THC will. Jed bless it.
"Your heart understands what your head cannot yet conceive; trust your heart."
What the hell kinda bullshit is that? I'm trolling through quotes pages for lack of anything better to do and for fear of being accosted by drunken old nurses. I hate quotes like that they're so fucking perky and so not what the world is actually about. Christ if everyone listened to their hearts would we be in the situations we find ourselves in? Fuck no. We'd be a bunch of disorganised hippies, with stupid delusional smiles plastered on our faces, pissfarting around with nothing ever getting achvieved.
I ovulated today can you tell? And yes I can feel it when it happens; if you don't believe me you can bite my arse.
"Everybody is somebody else's weirdo."
That's more like it.
Oh dear Jesus. I think this one wins: "the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." If that is not the biggest pile of horseshit I have ever seen I fail to acknowledge what is. I think I'm going to vomit. On that shiny happy unrealistic lets roll back to the 50s note I shall leave you all, followed closely by the little black rain cloud persistantly biting at the back of my head. I call him Norbert.
New angels of promise we despise
Don't fall apart now
We are the silent ones
Suspicious minds
You didnt feel us coming
In this lonely crowd, it's always time
22:36
12.06.02 'which personality would you like to be today?'
'It's been a while...'
'Can I buy you a drink?'
Yes it has been a fucking age since I last ranted and yes I will have a gin and tonic tah very much. Bah! I'm in a mood again. Stupid Uni bullshite! We are soooo close to being finished but it can't be easy can it, no no, we have to get fucked around just a little bit more for everyone elses' personal entertainment. How entertaining will it be when I finally have the breakdown I've been threatening for the past two months? Damn fucking right!
Last months entry was a little messed up now that I've read it--apologies for that--my brain leaked. It's not like me to get all personal and teenish, but of late that seems all I can manage. Fuck knows why. Probably 'cause I'm not sleeping much, except in large unhealthy slabs every 8 days or so, during which I have fucked up dreams. Like say myself and my girls traipsing around roof tops smoking weed with Joss the sound guy from the Uni TV studio. Weird.
Poor little thing. I called him upstairs to the edit suite to 'fix' our sound last Friday and I think I may have unintentionally spun him out. I was delerious it was bound to happen. As for the demon film with six heads, spawned from the tepid recessess of my festering imagination... it's doin' alright. ^.^ While it's true it looks a little too much like 'Neighbours' for my liking, it's coming together pretty well. Our sound isn't nearly as fucked as previously assumed, our footage is generally acceptable and quite beautiful in spots. The experience of starting something on paper and seeing it through until its playing on a screen is quite astonishing. It's been a brutal struggle the whole fucking way mind you (one that is still being battled out as I type) but I think I'd being lying if I said it wasn't at least somewhat enjoyable. Christ I'm prattling.
On an up note, myself and one of my girls have scored a real job on a real film shoot. Yay us!! We get credits and all, so it goes on the CV. It means going to Stradbroke Island overnight with Uni techies, which is weird (ground rules will have to be established: 1. do not speak to me until I've had my coffee and a fag 2. do no look at me until I have my make-up on :) but I have a sneaking suspicion we will enjoy ourselves.
Apart from random career/Uni junk I guess I'm keeping it all together nicely. Mostly. I think my brain has a penchant for over-analysing and trying to find meaning where maybe there isn't any. Certain things have thrown me so completely that I doubt I will ever understand, but I suppose I have to wonder will I care about it in ten years time? Knowing me, I will. Quite simply, people are stupid and I do not understand them. If anyone else 'sleazes on me', as Miss Banana so eloquently put it today, I think I will finally lose it. Just because I'm a girl it does not give random arseholes permission to touch me or my head. Kindly fuck off. I've given up trying to understand what most people mean anyway. I know my friends, but then there are all these strange nonsensical bodies floating around who say shit they don't mean or remember and start shit. Why the fuck can't everyone just get along, be themselves and stop hiding behind umpteen fucked-up arseholic personalities?
you want me?
fucking come on and break the door down
i'm ready
19:10
21.05.02 'gin and tonic for the soul'
Well, I must say I am feeling much better on this fine night! The martini glass fits so well in my hand! Conclusions from the past few weeks:
Life is full of surprises, boys suck (that was just a reminder really, not a conclusion), drunk men scare me (that's a reminder too I suppose) alcohol soothes the soul, friends are more important than we ever realise, not everything goes the way we plan but it always seems to work out in the end.
Definately in a better head state than last week. Although, my family seems to have decided I have an eating disorder (yay) I want them to fuck off. I am eating it's just I didn't for a day 'cause I was stressed and it made me naseous. Dumb arses. Mother also possibly assumes I am becoming an alcoholic simply because my gin now lives on my desk. I like it there, the bottle is pretty! Ah concern for my well being can there ever be too much? Sarcasm! *drip drip*
Uni is picking up, I have an art project, and plenty of mind altering projects set aside for the holidays. Yay, finally able to do fun things instead of 'supposed to be fun things that make me stress/are less fun and more headfuckish'. *sigh* I can rest easy for a little while.
00:05
15.05.02 'can we say mindfuck?'
Totally having to reassess one's life in a matter of a week is totally fucked up. Having to hold it together for Uni and family while doing so is bullshit! I'll manage, I always do. Our shoot went acceptably, although I'm pissed because I forgot a bunch of shots I wanted to get and it might be just a shade difficult for us to go back and get them again. Wynnum, can I please say, is not an easy place to film. What is it about cameras and sensitive sound equipment that annoying ignorant people find so fascinating? The amount of times I had to yell 'cut' because some arsehole squealed past is just ridiculous! BAHH! Die you moronic pricks!
On a personal note, my head is currently a little scattered. Cleaning one's room (oh yes, I have an essay due last week, can you tell) is a novel way to try and put it all back together. Pity it didn't work this time. I'm tired and cranky and have insomnia again. I don't want to function this way for the rest of my life. I'm sick of my life; it's tarnished and broken and no fun to play with anymore. I'm guess I'm just a little child beneath it all. Then why the fuck do I still feel so old?! No matter how many times you're faced with the same situation, it never gets any easier does it? I feel like crying and breathing a sigh of relief at the same time and I don't really know why. Okay, I do know why, but I don't understand it and I don't want to acknowledge it. I get reeled in too easily and apparently I still haven't learned my lesson. Stupid really. Confusion sucks. It's pointless, unless you reach some kind of resolution but often that resolution sucks too. Evidently punishment did ensue on Wednesday, and not the fun kind. I dare say it will, despite being resolved finally, linger for a little while longer. Okay major delerium induced rant, should probably stop.
22:53
07.05.02 'where did the last four days go?'
We've just finished our film shoot. Everything has gone relatively well, disturbingly, except our sound could be a little fucked. Minor details! *snort* Choosing not to think about that right now; my head hurts enough as it is. We crammed what should have been a weeks long shoot into four days, our actors were exceptional and I have bonded with my lovely group some more and we got to meet new people. That's probably the best anyone could hope for I suppose. Oh and I got to put pretty boys in make-up... ^.^
New people intrigue me. It's interesting watching as they slowly get accepted into the group. I compared one of our later meetings to a new monkey coming into an established group; the physicality reminded me of apes picking at mites and lice. I don't think I can explain this very well. Clearly we weren't delicing each other, it was just a few of those first tentative touching moments where you resort to primal instincts and learn the way people touch, smell and feel. I think maybe I over-analyse people. Maybe I'm turning into my dad. :\ that would suck.
Have you ever had one of those moments where you start to question everything you knew to be true since forever, and all of a sudden nothing makes sense and you feel sick and confused and everything sucks? That has been my state of mind on and off since Saturday. Can't say I'm enjoying it. I swear my brain has split into it's two halves and they're currently battling it out. One side says 'logic and stick to what you know' the other says 'fuck it, go with the moment'. I don't think I like my brain halves. They have no touch with reality and thus don't really care about the outcome so long as I don't pickle them with gin as a consequence. They get punished tomorrow night as part of post shoot celebrations. Let's just hope no other kinds of punishement ensue.
13:11